In her book, Hunt, Gather, Parent, Michaeleen Doucleff talks about the importance of having family surrounding parents. It makes life easier, especially for stay at home parents who often find themselves needing to be more than just the mother or the father. They’re the playmate, the disciplinarian, the cook, maid, etc. It’s exhausting. And still, people keep ripping themselves away from family to move to more exciting places, or to follow a job, or to be closer to friends, etc. Then they have children. No culture anywhere on earth, through all generations have done this. We’re the first ones to start this trend. It’s exhausting!

I live with family close by, but they live all the way in another town that’s a whole 15 minutes away. For some reason there is little cross pollination between the two towns. I don’t know why, but getting my family over here means asking and doing a lot of scheduling. I’m grateful for the times we connect, but we’ve also been blessed with unexpected ties that feel familial. Some of them are surprising and some I have been intentional about cultivating.

I think over the realities of these familial feeling relationships and I’m proud of the intentional  work I’ve done to make these relationships possible, but don’t be fooled. Before I launch into boasting about what I have, let me be clear. I have my failings as a mother. I get irritated. Our child’s hygiene isn’t the greatest. (Please don’t sniff her!) I don’t get her outside enough. She doesn’t see children as frequently as she should and I don’t doll her up in cute clothes. I still find myself sitting at home with her bored as heck while she’s pulling every single thing out of place and hiding it in random, remote locations that nobody in their right mind would ever find. But I can boast about the grandparents that surround her!

Currently she has two blood grandmothers and one grandfather. My husband’s mother is in another state and she’s 93 so she’s not in the picture a lot. My parents are close to 80 and they spend time with her, but with busy lives and people still needing them in their hometown close to us, we don’t see them as much, but an old friend of my mom’s is stepping in to fill some of the gap.

First familial feeling tie: I grew up with a family who we just refer to as “The Millers.” Anytime I refer to The Millers, it’s this family (despite the fact that Miller is a very, very common name in the Anabpatist tradition). Before they moved out of state after my 5th grade year I played with their second daughter regularly. We attended the same school, we went to the same church and we lived on the same street. My friend had three siblings and I did, too, but my siblings were older. When I went to Miller’s house it was like they just added another sibling. I ate, fought, pooped and slept in their home.

That family moved to two different states after that to follow pastoring positions, but the parents have returned to our home town. Now that I’m older and am attending church with the parents again I have greatly appreciated having the matriarch just a 5 minute drive from us. This woman who watched over me when I was little now has our daughter referring to her as Nunu, the name her grandchildren gave to her. She watches our child monthly and it’s not abnormal for Nunu to let our daughter wander over to her during church and sit with her in the pew while quietly looking at a book. I love that relationship!

Second familial feeling tie: Recently I was asked to volunteer my time for painting the large pastors room. The woman who is charged with making sure tasks like that are completed offered to watch our daughter. So I took her up on the offer. I dropped her off at 9:00 and picked her up again at 1:15. The woman who cared for her has one grandchild who lives at a distance and she doesn’t see him much, but she seemed to be fulfilling that grandparent ache with our daughter because when I walked into their house I noticed that the woman referred to her husband as “Opa” and her husband referred to her as “Oma.” And now our daughter knows them by these names, too. The four of us sat together while Oma and Opa offered soup, corn chips, spinach dip, hummus, hot sauce, apples and oranges. What a blessing!

Third familial feeling tie: As if that isn’t enough, we’ve also found meaning in a weekly ritual that started with a friend. Our little rump roast and I would head over to have breakfast with AB every Wednesday. After a year of this AB’s mother moved to the area. She needed work and she liked being with her daughter. I needed a babysitter and liked having someone older take the task. AB works from home and enjoys having people in her house. She also enjoys having people cook for her. 

The new setup is that Rump Roast and I head over for breakfast with AD at 8:15. She provides the food, but I prepare it while she and the little one connect. At 9:30, Miss Jane arrives and AB heads upstairs to work remotely. I leave the house for two hours. When I return at 11:30 I finish prep work for the food I made at home. AB comes down around 12:00 and two sets of mother/daughter relationships sit down for a meal.

So there you have it. Created familial feeling ties caring for one another. It’s not perfect. There are still days when I want more people around, but it’s a huge help to have other older adults investing in this little girl we’re raising. I’m grateful. On behalf of all the mamas and papas out there who have others pitching in with raising little ones, thank you! You’re so important!