Where are you engaging with people younger than you? Older than you? Are you seeking wisdom from anyone who has lived longer? Are you passing on wisdom to anyone who is young?

I didn’t read the book, but the conversation about it has stuck with me for years. The book I speak of was introduced during the years I traveled a lot. I visited different communities within the Mennonite tradition and talked with liberal and conservative sides of the denomination. I spoke with people who were angry, people who were content and people who were Spirit filled. I heard stories that people wouldn’t speak of in their churches or feel comfortable letting their own communities know. I was sometimes disheartened and sometimes inspired and often I walked away learning a little bit more about life. The concept of this book was perhaps a bit of all three.

The conversation was with a pastor in Ohio. Our discussion has returned to the forefront of my thoughts multiple times since our visit years ago. He shared with me the content of a book he was reading about. How people in cultures have grown up in the past and how that differs from ways people are growing up now – especially in the United States. (Unfortunately, the pastor couldn’t remember the title of the book as the conversation was years ago. Read on recognizing that these words and thoughts have their genesis in someone else’s work.)

In the past – through all generations and around the world – the young looked up to people who were older. Four year olds would look up to the seven year old, who looked up to the teenager who looked up to the young couple just married. That couple looked up to those who had long ago set up a household while those who had lived a long life and were now looking back on their life and able to share wisdom with younger people. A child might aim to milk cows as fast as a brother. A girl might attempt to mimic her mother’s secret bread recipe. A boy might learn to name the different trees by walking and talking with his grandpa. Intergenerational living is important, but we’ve lost that gift.

I can easily get stuck in looking at the past through rose colored glasses. I should have been born Amish or I should have been born two hundred years ago even thoughI know the Amish have their own issues and each era has their struggles. Still, we’ve lost significant chunks of wisdom from the past.

Hear me out. Think about our society. We sector out ages to be almost exclusively with one another. Grade school children go to school together. Middle school and high school students spend their days together at school and frequently fill their free hours with extracurricular activities with other students. College students go to university to live, breathe, eat, sleep and study together. If they don’t go to college, they likely head to the workforce, which is mostly middle aged folks. Then when someone is ready to retire, we sequester them to a retirement center where they too often wait in loneliness to die.

Harsh? Yeah. True? Probably. Does anyone else have an issue with this reality? 

What struck me in the conversation with this pastor was his comment that we have children growing up together, but not maturing together. Can you think about that for a moment? Children grow up together, but when all they have to compare themselves to is another child, they don’t mature. They just age. They might get better at something, but their hobbies and strengths don’t necessarily lead them to wisdom or maturity. The theory is that we have whole generations of immature people. 

I’m not advocating that we don’t let children play together and I know that they can learn from one another. We need to be with people our own age, too. I love connecting with new mothers right now. It fills me with delight to hear about their experiences and the things they’re learning. I also love watching our child connect with other little ones, but we’re missing out on so much when we’re only with our age group.

When I learned about a daycare in our area that was opening in a retirement home, I was ecstatic. What a considerably silly concept to be viewed as radical. Connect old people who are lonely and bored with young people who need the patience and contented smiles of people who can love gently. Again, it can be easy to look through rose colored glasses. Of course meshing generations would have its own issues and it wouldn’t erase national issues, but it would likely bring a deeper sense of togetherness and we’d have less fear about aging and death… or at least talking about it.

I’m choosing right now not to take our child to exclusively child focused activities because they’re so often focused on only her certain age group.  Michaeleen Doucleff’s book, Hunt, Gather, Parent, strengthens this preference. She gives her readers permission (and encourages them) to haul their children along with them to whatever events fill their days and make them happy. (Recognizing that there are two tons of parenting books out there that I’ve never read, Doucleff’s book is, for me, the primary book I turn to.) 

When we take our child along with us in our lives, she experiences volunteer work with middle aged people in a second hand store. She attends a gathering of retirement aged women at church who volunteer their time sewing for others. She learns to sit quietly in a full church service – though my husband and I differ on our expectations of her in this setting. She sees my friends and hears our conversations about life after giving birth. She hears frustrations about relational dynamics and church politics. She sees homeless people who are sad and really just need a big, long hug. I want her to see and hear these things. They’re real life.

I also want our nation to hear the things I heard from this pastor. It’s real life. Please. How do we think about changing our assumptions so that intergenerational learning happens and so that we encourage respect for older people? The conundrum is problematic.